Computer Stupidities

These are some funny stories from people who had a very bad time with those people who are not good in computers. Laugh all the way with me :D

KEYBOARD

The quintessential input device, the keyboard, despite its similarities to the typewriter, is nevertheless the subject of great confusion. Some of the most important, basic keys are misunderstood. Some even fail to recognize that hitting a letter on the keyboard causes the same letter to appear on the screen. With a keyboard as a prop, hysterical antics of many sorts can follow.


For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room. I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards. She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face. She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen. The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor and quaking red-faced. I started to type, "Leave me alone!"
They both jumped back, silenced. "What the..." the teacher said. I typed, "I said leave me alone!" The kid got real upset. "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!" It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud. The conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.
Me: "Don't touch me!"
Her: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."
Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!"
Etc. Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing. After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red. Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

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Many people have called to ask where the "any" key is on their keyboards when the "Press Any Key" message is displayed.
Tech Support: "If there is anything else we can help with, please give us a call."
Customer: "Well...I was wondering if you could just tell me something people ask you that is really stupid, so I don't feel like such a moron."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, you're not stupid. People aren't born with knowledge, it takes time. One of the silliest questions we get from new users is, 'Where is the any key?'"
Customer: "Well, DUH! Even I know where that is!"

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I have a friend who just bought a computer and was instructed to load a program by typing "A:" and then the name of the program.
My friend told me it would not work because his keyboard was no good. He said he couldn't type the "dot over dot thingie" and that every time he tried to type the "dot over dot thingie" he kept getting the "dot over comma thingie" no matter how careful he was to press only on the very top of the key.
When I taught him about the shift key, he thought I was a genius.

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Tech support: "Now, press the up arrow."
Customer: "I don't see any up arrow."
Tech support: "It's above the rest of the arrows at the lower left."
Customer: "All I see above the arrows is an 'I' with a funny little hat on it."
Tech support: "Press that!"
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Our last receptionist called me to complain that the keys on her new keyboard were hard to push. She asked me to install a program to "soften up her keyboard keys."

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My journalism teacher was the most computer illiterate person that I have ever met.
Her: "What does the F1 key do?"
Me: "It depends on what program you are using, it usually is just a keyboard shortcut."
Her: "No, I mean what does it DO?"
Me: "It just simplifies a function, so you don't have to select it from the menu."
Her: "But how does it WORK?"
This went on for a few more minutes, and eventually I had to tell her the truth: that it really doesn't do anything.

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One user told me he couldn't find the 'OK' button on his keyboard.
I had a call from a customer who was complaining that when she typed, the wrong letters came up on the screen. After some investigation, I learned she had pried off all the letter key caps off her keyboard and rearranged them in alphabetical order. You'd think she'd have figured out the problem herself when her computer stopped working afterward.
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Tech Support: "Is the caps-lock light on?"
Customer: "I'm not a computer person."
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I had an otherwise computer-literate friend who would put the caps-lock on and off every time he wanted a capital letter. He thought the shift key was just for the symbols on the number keys. This probably went on for years.
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I was doing usual work in my Computer Literacy class, when a kid came in and sat at the computer next to me to type up a report for another class. I went to get something I had printed off to turn in and glanced at his screen. He wasn't double-spacing, like the teacher had told us to, I though maybe he forgot.
Me: "Hey, you know, this is supposed to be double-spaced, right?"
Him: "I am double spacing. See?"
He proceeded to type a word, hit the spacebar twice, and continued typing. He then asked me how to make it so that whenever he hit the spacebar, it would make two spaces.
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MOUSE

Once optional, now essential, the mouse is one of the most misused, misunderstood peripherals in the home computer market. Keyboards and printers are easier to grasp by those already familiar with typewriters, but the principles of the mouse are unprecedented in the mainstream.

Several years ago I was at a computer show demoing software. The audience was comprised of retired school teachers. I explained how to use the mouse to point to things on the screen. As I walked around the room making sure everyone was doing ok, I saw one woman holding her mouse to the Mac's monitor moving the mouse around on the screen.
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One customer held the mouse in the air and pointed it at the screen like a TV remote, all the while clicking madly.
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A user called in to say her mouse was only moving left and right and not up and down. This was a common fault with that particular model of mouse, so I brought a replacement over, swapped it out, and she tried it out.
"Nope, same problem," she said, and showed me. For left and right movements, it worked fine, but when she moved the mouse up and down -- that is, physically off the desk and into the air -- it just didn't work at all.
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I was teaching a user about Windows.
Me: "Move the cursor up to the menu line. . . . Move the cursor to the menu line. . . . Move the mouse up to move the cursor up to the menu line. . . ."
Still, nothing was happening on the screen. Finally I looked over her right shoulder to see what she was doing. She had raised the mouse literally up -- about a foot off the desk.
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My family gave my grandmother a laptop, and we were teaching her how to use it when she asked how to send an email to her sister in England. They had been sending postal mail to each other for decades, and she had heard that this "Er-Mail" thing was easier.
I pointed to the Outlook Express icon, and told her to put the mouse there. She picked up the computer mouse and placed it on the screen.
It was a long day.
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Tech Support: "Ok, can you see the arrow in the middle of the screen?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Good! Now trying moving the mouse around. Do you see the arrow moving?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Not even a little?"
Customer: "No, not at all."
I spent several minutes having the user follow the cable from the the mouse to the back of the PC. It was plugged in all the way.
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Tech Support: "Ok, try moving it again. Up, down, left, right -- anything?"
Customer: "Nope, still nothing."
Tech Support: "Hmmm, maybe the table is too slippery -- why don't you try rolling the mouse on a book or a piece of paper?"
Customer: "Oh!! On the table!"